When I was sixteen I got pregnant. I was betrayed by my boyfriend, who was five years older, who was responsible for “pulling out.” “It felt so good,” he said. I was too young to know about consequences and Karma. It was just four years after abortion became legal. No one really knew. I was twelve weeks pregnant and have felt that I committed murder ever since. By the time I knew the truth and went to the clinic I only had days to decide or it would be too late for the procedure. Just about every birthday I was plagued with the thought of “what if…” and “the person would be xx years old this year.” The truth is I spoke to no one except my boyfriend about being pregnant. It wasn’t until after I turned fifty that I wondered why I didn’t talk to my sister or mother about it. I realized that it was a secret and I learned hard and young from my brother who sexual abused me that secrets were not revealed. So I had the abortion and like my childhood I swept it under the rug. I dated Jack three more years all the while distrusting him and feeling betrayed. We lived together and moved to Florida. It was a means to the end as it only lasted half a year after we moved. I then found myself released and went wild. I was twenty years old seeking adventure and fun. Sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll was the way. I had a blast with all the parties, water skiing, flying in a small plane to the Bahamas, scuba diving, and all the boys – so many boys!